


five times dan missed phil the most

by danthrusts



Series: 5 times dan/phil missed each other the most [1]
Category: Phandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Dependency, Depression, M/M, Mentions of Sex, PDA, Sad Ending, Swearing, Vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2016-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-30 20:01:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6438283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danthrusts/pseuds/danthrusts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>basically what the title is x</p>
            </blockquote>





	five times dan missed phil the most

**Author's Note:**

> hello here is a short dumb 5 times fic. it’s kind of choppy but whatever hope u enjoy x
> 
> originally posted on danthrusts.tumblr.com

1\. the first time

Okay, yeah, so maybe Dan had never visited Phil before, and maybe they’d never even met in real life, but somehow, when he turned off his webcam and closed his laptop, Dan missed Phil; he felt like he’d known the older boy for years, and not just a few months. His heart ached to be held by Phil Lester. He envisioned Phil’s arms to be wrapped firmly around him, holding him tightly, and it was almost as if they were (though, he didn’t actually know what it felt like to be in Phil’s arms; he imagined… safe, and warm, and a slight scent of vanilla). When Dan shut his eyes, it was almost as if Phil were there with him, embracing the younger from behind; he went to sleep with a heart full of longing for Phil.

2\. the visit

The first time Dan visited Phil was… amazing (no pun intended). As soon as Dan got off the train and made eye contact with Phil everything was completely different. Suddenly, Phil wasn’t just this pixelated video on Skype and he wasn’t just a voice coming through the speakers of Dan’s phone at two in the morning. He was an actual real person Dan could wrap his arms around (which, when he did was, as he had imagined, safe, and warm, and vanilla scented), and kiss, and touch, and he was standing right in front of Dan.

In the short amount of time Dan was in Phil’s house, he noticed little things the older boy did, such as wearing socks to bed (who does that, really?), and how when he got up in the morning to brew the instant coffee, there wasn’t the pitter-patter of his feet on the wooden floor because he wore socks to bed. He noticed how many Buffy posters the boy really had (which was rough for Dan when they were both horny); there were so many more than he had ever shown on camera. And he noticed how entranced with the movie Phil would get as they watched Wall-E in 3-D glasses.

The visit came to an end too soon for Dan’s tastes; he missed Phil and the familiar feel of his home before he’d even left for his own. When Phil took him to the train station, he wrapped his arms around him, and hugged him tight; they stood together, embraced in each other’s arms until Dan’s train arrived. After a quick peck on the cheek and another tight squeeze, Dan sadly pulled away and hurried toward the open doors; he looked back at Phil, who stood watching him gloomily as the doors shut in front of him. Dan found a seat and set his bags down beside him. He searched for Phil outside and held his gaze on Phil until the train pulled away from the station, blurring the Manchester boy and everyone around him.

Dan thought about his time spent with Phil the entire way home and he already couldn’t wait to come back to visit him again – hopefully soon.

3\. the university experience

Getting a degree in law is a lot harder and more time-consuming than you may think. And law school certainly isn’t anything like Legally Blonde as it led Dan to believe. Juggling all of the tests, quizzes and notes, as well as an expanding YouTube channel that was growing by the day, and boyfriend all at the same time is a lot to handle – especially when you aren’t even sure if law is the career you want to dedicate your life to. Dan, of course, didn’t take any of this into account, though, when he was enjoying his gap year and vaguely planning out his career. He just saw the cutoff for university, panicked, and chose law – typical Dan style.

Despite specifically choosing a university in his boyfriend’s city for the sole purpose of quick sex and cuddles whenever he wanted, Dan never quite got that because he always had something to do – let it be filming a video or studying for an important exam. He went days (sometimes even one full week) without any physical contact from the older boy and it drove him nuts (how did he do it a year before when he’d never hugged the Manchester boy before?) He found himself thinking about Phil’s smile as his professor droned on and on in a boring, flat voice about what the Queen does for a living – which was kind of interesting at first; that was, until they started pulling out long, confusing words of law he didn’t understand from the fifty pages of reading they were supposed to do the night before, he completely disregarded as he edited a new video.

Having a midlife crisis in your early twenties isn’t really a path you want to go down, Dan figured… so, he dropped out. He and Phil could spend more time with each other after just moving in together, he could focus on becoming a full-time YouTuber, and his life could slowly piece itself back together. Plus, he could finally get the sex and cuddles from Phil whenever he wanted.

4\. the north

Dan flicked the light off and quickly pressed his back flush against the wall, careful to not expose himself to anything that could be lurking, as he carefully scurried up the staircase. When he reached the top of the stairs, he glanced down into the pitch black abyss – there was no way he was going to go back down there; anything he needed would have to wait until morning.

Dan longed for Phil to be there with him, so he could force the older boy to lock the door instead. Unfortunately for Dan (and fortunately for the murderers and burglars), Phil was up North visiting his family.

On FaceTime Dan complained about his predicament, saying how selfish it was of him to leave Dan at home alone with the girl from the ring. “You’re a terrible boyfriend for leaving me here like this.” he joked. “The girl from the ring is going to murder me, and you’re going to come home to find me dead. You’re lucky I’m brave.”

“I want to be there with you so don’t have to be brave.” Phil snickered, quoting from what seemed like forever ago, when they had hardly just met. They’d come so far.

Dan’s cheeks turned a slight red. “Shut up!” he laughed, then looked up at the time. It was late. “It’s late, you should get some rest. I love you”

“I love you too,” Phil replied, “and you should sleep too.”

“See you in two days, then?” Phil nodded his head in reply, “I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

5\. the aftermath

He should have never left. He should have never said those hurtful things. He should have never quit YouTube. He should have sucked it up, and stayed, and made amends with Phil. He should have told him he was sorry and that, yes, he loved him despite his comments online, and yes, he wanted to stay there with him. He didn’t do any of that.

He left in 2012.

It’s 2015 now.

Dan has never felt as gross and sick as he does now.

Since he left Phil it was a constant battle of who would win, Dan or depression. His friends would say, “Drinking yourself away is not a good way to remember the good times, Dan.” and he would reply, “Who cares? It works.” He never cared until it was the next morning and he was bent over the toilet, vomiting up last night’s vodka shots.

He never cared until he was having drunk meaningless sex with some stranger he’d met in the pub, and had that awkward moment of calling out Phil’s name instead of the person he was having sex with.

He never cared until it was three in the morning and all he could think about was how good Phil’s lips felt pressed against his skin.

He never cared until he was drunk and dialing Phil’s phone number while everyone around him informed him on how bad of an idea it was, and how it wasn’t healthy. But he’d do it anyway.

Dan never got an answer from Phil. The phone would ring, and ring, and ring until it went to voicemail; when Phil didn’t answer (which was every time he called), he’d leave a pathetic voicemail for Phil to listen to, or delete, when he woke up. Dan wasn’t sure which was worse: Phil listening to the message and seeing how much of a mess Dan was now, or Phil deleting the message because he didn’t care anymore. Out of all of the times he called him, Phil never once called back.

Dan’s heart aches when he remembers the Manchester days. The Manchester days were the good days. It was before they moved to London and everything turned to shit; before everything got too complicated and he had to fuck everything up by answering those stupid asks about their relationship on Tumblr. Those stupid fucking asks that caused an endless amount of stress and led Dan to snap on Phil and leave; it led him to set down the camera and quit YouTube for good. It pushed him to get a boring day job he hated, only to not show up half of the week, and then come in, but be hungover, the other half.

Looking back now, Dan should have never left. He should have never said the hurtful things he did. He should have never quit YouTube, the only job he truly enjoyed doing. He should have been stronger and made up with Phil; he should have told him he was sorry, he loved him, and he wanted to make things better between them.

Dan wonders what would have happened if he would have just stayed.


End file.
